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BANANA Pet Rules
Idiots
Dog Food Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Iams Petfood for Scooter my wonder dog at Petsmart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I thought I would joke with her a little.
I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Petfood diet again - although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with dry nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that this lady was really taking this story for all it was worth and practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no. I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
Petsmart won't let me shop there anymore.		 I can't believe I wasted all that money on flu shots all these years???
Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled With water, And in the water Floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package On the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.
Different medical clinics
Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the old head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement .
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Greyhound...... The SECOND is a Senior Citizen! Next time take me to a vet.............. !!!  

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will  Rogers
There is  no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your  face. -Ben  Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves  himself. -Josh  Billings
The  average dog is a nicer person than the average  person.
-Andy  Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.  
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M.  Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and  hate.
-Sigmund  Freud
I  wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious  cult.
-Rita  Rudner
A dog  teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert  Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin  P. Jones
George  Carlin's View on Aging
Do you  realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're  kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"  
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into  your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are  you?" "I'm gonna be 16!"  
You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . .
You become 21. Even the words sound like a  ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you  turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's  wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME  21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
And your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!  You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built  up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30;  you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.  "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all  make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW  TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors  worry about them. That is why you pay "them!"
2.Keep only  cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep  learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.  
4. Enjoy the  simple things.
5. Laugh  often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears  happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person, who is with us our entire  life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround  yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music,  plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish  your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is  beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take  guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign  country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the  people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND  ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James  Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown 
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe  Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come from a grocery with the most amazing haul; chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne  Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men  and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives  whole.
-Roger  Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil  Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I  am.



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NO NATION, EVER, TAXED ITSELF INTO PROSPERITY! MANY LESSONS HAVE TO BE
LEARNED!, ,,, THIS IS ONLY ONE!

At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!
Tax his land, Tax his bed,
Tax the table At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes Are the rule.
Tax his cow, Tax his goat,
Tax his pants, Tax his coat.
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt,
Tax his work, Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink,
Tax him if he Tries to think.
Tax his cigars, Tax his beers,
If he cries, then Tax his tears.
Tax his car, Tax his gas,
Find other ways To tax his ass
Tax all he has Then let him know
That you won't be done Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers, Then tax him some more, Tax him till He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in Which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom..."
When he's gone, Do not relax,
Its time to apply The inheritance tax.

TAXES --from A to almost Z
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What the hell happened? Can you spell "POLITICIANS"?
And I still have to "press 1" for English.
I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times!
Greyt Quotes.................
Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made.
~Roger Caras
Your Honor Student is merely a pawn in my ex-racing greyhound's quest for world domination.
Donated by Judy

They say that home is where the heart is.

If so, mine is running around barking.

I hope you had a good time..

Krachen
Greyhound Rescue & Adoption is a non-profit organization
Founded July 2001.
Last updated - April 2, 2009 12:19 PM
Created by The Krachen


Anxious Four